


Dean's Journal - Interlude 1

by Jinx (jinx37kat)



Series: Dean's Journal [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-20
Updated: 2006-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-16 17:26:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9282305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinx37kat/pseuds/Jinx
Summary: A/N:  This is an interlude to the story, Dean's Journal.  It will appear again in a later part when Snooping!Sam gets to this point in the journal, but I really wanted to post this now since Faith has aired.  Sam hasn't read this yet cuz Dean's just written it.  :)





	

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is an interlude to the story, Dean's Journal. It will appear again in a later part when Snooping!Sam gets to this point in the journal, but I really wanted to post this now since Faith has aired. Sam hasn't read this yet cuz Dean's just written it. :)

_May 12, 2006 – What an insane past two weeks. First off, I did the most incredibly stupidest thing in my entire life and shot at a Rawhead with my tazer while I was lying IN WATER! Hello! Yes! Water! Hell, I don’t have to be college educated to know that electricity + water = electrocution! What a fucking idiot. And I paid the price for it, too. Seems I had managed to fuck up my heart to the point that the doctors gave me only a few weeks to live._

_But Sammy somehow got it into his head that he would not let me die. The little bastard wouldn’t even let me die in peace. Had me crossing the freakin’ country to Nebraska to see a ‘specialist’. Turned out that the ‘specialist’ was actually a quack faith healer that one of dad’s friends told him about. And I’ll be damned if it didn’t work._

_Unfortunately, we ran into a little problem. The faith healer wasn’t really a faith healer. (Told you!) Apparently, his wife had captured a reaper with some good ol’ black magic and while the good reverend was giving life back, the reaper was taking life away from an innocent._

_Me included._

_I’m still finding it hard to deal with the fact that someone died because of me. Another life was taken so I could live. I don’t like it. At all._

_Sam and I have fought about this over and over and it’s like running into a brick wall. While he feels bad for the person who died, he said he wouldn’t have done anything differently. Anything to save my life._

_I wish I felt the same. About me, I mean._

_I mean, there’s no question that I would have done the exact same thing if I had been in Sammy shoes. I’d do anything for that kid. But… he… I mean, he did all this for… Why? I don’t get it. I’m not worth it._

_I don’t know. I’m not making any sense. I guess my brain’s still fried from the amps._

_Okay, I mean, considering everything he said at that asylum a few months ago… and then he does this. I don’t know if he loves me or hates me anymore. I guess after last month, he’s back to ‘loves me’. I know that’s not fair, but… I don’t know._

_I DON’T FUCKING KNOW ANYMORE! FUCK!_

_Oh. And I guess Sam called Dad when I was in the hospital. You can see how well that turned out. Did the bastard bother to come see his oldest son for the last time? That would be a ‘no’._

_I’m almost glad he told us to quit looking for him. I don’t think I want to see him anyway. I mean… I fucking begged, BEGGED him to come to Lawrence. I needed the son of a bitch! And did he come? No. Sam calls to tell him that I’m dying and does he come? No. I’m starting to see a pattern here. And the pattern is… he doesn’t give a fuck about me._

_Story of my fucking life._

_Mom leaves. Sam leaves. Dad leaves. Sam leaves again. (Okay, so he came back, but still… he **did** leave.)_

_Why did you have to save me, Sammy? Why?! I was ready to go. I’d made my peace. I wan... Okay, yes… I **wanted** to go!_

_I’m so fucking tired of all of this. I just want it to be over. **I** want to be over._


End file.
